but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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