I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i've created a new STD.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
