someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
