508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
