Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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