did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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