I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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