the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
