Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
