The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
