she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
