and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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