I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
