There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
