I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
