1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
