I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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