how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
