hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
