Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
