My hand turned me down
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
