the condom got lost in my hair
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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