Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
