I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
