my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
