Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
