whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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