Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
