Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Send help, water and tortillas.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
