My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
