can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
