So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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