So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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