I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
