i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
