Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
