A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
