i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
