Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
