goodnight i made you a song goodbye
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
