dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
