Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
