"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
