3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
