I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I wear drunk well.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
