My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
