can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
