Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my being single is dangerous.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
