sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
