All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
