2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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