consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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