You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
