cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
